Ice Cream Is Essential When You're Wasting Money

     Since my last post, a lot has happened, but it was really difficult for me to find the words to express how I was truly feeling, so I let my blog rest on a cliffhanger. Let me begin with three weeks ago.
     We went back to our doctor to follow-up on my egg situation. The hCG shot was supposed to force ovulation, so there was a chance I was pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test before scheduling my appointment, and it was negative, so I didn't really have high hopes that I was pregnant. However, I had every symptom you can imagine, literally. I woke up with a sore throat one day, a symptom I didn't even know existed. I also had an egg white discharge, which kind of freaked me out at first, because I didn't realize that was also a normal symptom. The problem is that despite all these symptoms, I wasn't pregnant. The trigger shot made my body behave pregnant, and my heart was just along for the bumpy ride. At our doctor's visit, I assumed our doctor would do blood work, because he ALWAYS does blood work. But, he didn't. He told me that I was unlikely pregnant, and that my testosterone levels had gone back up in the blood work he had taken last time. He also said that while it was possible that the presence of follicles at the last visit could have caused the hormone change he doubted it. But, he didn't do ANY blood work to confirm, even after I asked/ told him he should. The whole situation really pissed me off! My husband and I live about an hour away from his office and we waited 30 mins to see him, and HE DID NOTHING!
     I haven't really trusted Dr. Smith since he said I was closer to a daddy than a mommy, but this visit was the last straw. In fact, his new treatment plan seemed so poorly thought out, I was a little embarrassed to tell people for fear they would judge me for sticking with a bad doctor. His plan was to wait a few days, take another home test, and start another round of Clomid (with an increased dosage) without having a period. I knew from the ultrasound the last time that I had a uterine lining build up, which needed to be cleared out for my own safety, but the doc told me, "Your body doesn't follow the normal rules, so it will be fine". I was pissed.
     My husband and I really don't fight a lot. We disagree, discuss, move on, but fight... we just don't. But, that day, it was brutal. I told my husband that I didn't want to continue with our doctor, because I didn't trust him, and I was scared for my body to build up this lining and not shed it, because it can be toxic. My husband is normally fully on my side, but this time he wasn't. He thought I was trying to change doctors so that I could move to a more aggressive treatment too soon, which he didn't think was a good plan at all. I agree that moving faster than normal through procedures was a bad plan, but that was not what I was doing. After, literally three hours discussing it, my husband agreed that a second opinion wasn't a bad idea, especially since I was actually willing to postpone treatments altogether to ensure that what our doctor was prescribing was the best. We agreed to look at another clinic in April if round two of Clomid failed.
     Fast forward to this week... After five days on Clomid, and 14 days of waiting, we had another follow-up. While on Clomid this time, I had the same side effects as the first time, light cramping and mood swings. But, this time, I had a significant temperature drop (the first sign of ovulation) right on schedule! A few days later (Tuesday of this week), I had the same white discharge, which can also signify ovulation is starting. Then, on Wednesday I was sitting at my desk at work, when out of nowhere, a blinding pain hit both sides of my ovaries. It hurt so bad I thought I would throw up. And, the pain did not dissipate for over two hours. After the first hour, I called the doctor. I didn't hear back until much, much later, after the pain had subsided to a dull ache. His nurse said to take some Aleve, but since our appointment was the next day there really wasn't much else to do.
     At our appointment yesterday, Dr. Smith looked at my temperature chart, which featured another significant drop from that very morning, and said he didn't think we needed to do an ultrasound, because he didn't think there was anything going on. I sort of insisted that we do the ultrasound, since that was really the only way to be sure, and since I was still in a little pain it would be nice to know why. The ultrasound revealed that I had a lot of small follicles, and two large ones (one on each side), but it also revealed that the large one on the left had ruptured, and was caving in on itself. This was the pain I felt. There is no real way to tell if the ruptured follicle contained an ovum/ egg, or if it was just filled with liquid, but there was liquid present, which was a good sign that something was actually happening in my ovaries. The follicle on the right side, may or may not rupture to leak the ovum or liquid out this weekend. There's really no telling. So, he ordered some blood work to check my estrogen and progesterone levels, which would be a clearer view of ovulation. I won't have those results until Monday, but the doctor had some advice for us. He feels as though Clomid may not work for us, because there is a chance that my ovaries have a thick "shell" built up on them, which is common with PCOS. He also feels that the best way to treat it is to drill holes in my ovaries to make a path for the eggs to escape from. The procedure has had poor results, and he doesn't know a doctor in all of Houston that does it. So, this was less than helpful, to say the least. Our other options could be to move to IVF, but he doesn't think my body will produce viable eggs, despite the fact that Clomid is producing follicles that are the right size and shape. He concluded his recommendation by saying, "I feel like I'm wasting your money". And, in that moment, my world shattered. HE HAS GIVEN UP! I am grasping at straws of tiny successes, and he is throwing in the towel. It was all too much to handle, so this time I did cry in his office. And, I didn't stop crying for nearly the whole hour drive home.
     As is our routine, my husband and I discussed the visit on the way home. He said he doesn't think Dr. Smith is right, and he wants the second opinion. While I was hurt, my husband was angry. He couldn't believe our doctor would give up when there was literally proof that my body was responding to treatment even in the slightest. When I suggested maybe we should explore adoption, something we have not done, because we weren't ready to quit trying yet, my husband said we could look into it, but he still wasn't ready to give up. We are so early in the process that it doesn't make sense. Plus, there is a chance I am ovulating right this very moment. My husband was right. It isn't time to give up. I told him that I do not want to have my ovaries drilled, but, if we have to move to IVF, then we should start saving.
     Today, I feel awful. I have dull, achy cramps on both ovaries that feel sort of like someone poked them repeatedly with a stick, which is pretty accurate, I guess. I'm writing this while drugged up on Aleve and resting on a heating pad. But, the second I hit "Publish Post", I am calling the fertility clinic we chose for a second opinion.