When failure repeats

     This week has been depressing. There is no other way to describe the emotional roller coaster of happily anticipating good news only to receive another heartbreaking blow of disappointment. I am not trying to sound as though I am whining, or seeking sympathy; but, I cannot shake this feeling that I am in a major funk.
     Monday, my husband and I went back to the doctor to have him look over my temperature chart, and run some blood work to check for ovulation. A few weeks ago, I had a drop in temperature, which is usually the sign that ovulation has begun. Dr. Smith took one look at my chart and said, "Well, April, I think you've ovulated!" The rest of the appointment went on with discussion of when we would know we were pregnant, and for how long he would monitor me after confirming pregnancy. He had me so excited, anxious, joyful, and scared... everything a first-time mom feels. My husband was also pretty excited, because he has been telling me for a week that I was pregnant based on the "symptoms" I was experiencing (nausea, fatigue, swollen and sore breasts). So, I had my blood drawn, and left awaiting the phone call Tuesday that would confirm that this was the "first chance we truly had at getting pregnant" (Dr. Smith's words).
     Tuesday morning I woke up with a fear of bad news. I couldn't shake the feeling that the temperature drop was a fluke. I was right. In the midst of pure chaos after realizing our dogs had literally broken out of the fence (seriously they broke boards, and the biggest one is only 32 pounds), I got the phone call from  the doc's nurse. The blood work showed that I had not ovulated (again). The doctor's new orders are to call when/ if I get my period. If I do not get it by the time I am due (which is supposed to be 10-2), then I am to call in three weeks. THREE MORE WEEKS!
     I feel like I am fighting with myself. Half of me wants to begin treatment immediately, because I would like to pregnant before the end of the year. The other half of me thinks that we have to start right away, because this is going to take a while. I didn't ovulate this month, so I will not likely have a period. I know that I have to have a period before I can begin Clomid, because of the nature of the medication, so why not just give me a period inducing med (like Provera), and get a jump start on things. Provera usually takes 10 days to induce a period; Clomid induces ovulation in the typical 28-day cycle. So, we are now looking at Thanksgiving before we could even get pregnant.
     My husband told me it is difficult for him to understand my need for a "time table". I want to be pregnant before the end of the year (I turn 30 in December), but not because it is some need to meet some biological clock as much as it is a need to set a goal. Sorry to brag, but I have accomplished a lot in 29 years. The reason is because I have always set goals for myself. I know that fertility treatment is at best a guessing game, which scares me to death. I am not fully able to set a goal in this case. Dr. Smith shared the statistic that, with a couple with no fertility issues, there is only a 1 and 5 chance of conceiving. Now that my hormones are balanced, we have a better chance than what we did, but still not 1 and 5. With Clomid, there is only a 35% of conceiving. Other treatments are even lower. We could be undergoing fertility treatments for years before we conceive, or we could get pregnant in a few weeks. The fear of the unknown is killing me.
     My husband says, that he is not giving up on my bum ovaries. And, he believes that he will be a father, and I will be a mother. I believe that too, but I wonder when. It breaks my heart every time we go to the doctor, and hear that it didn't happen again. It breaks my heart every time I have another month go by without ovulating. It breaks my heart that I cannot make my husband a father. I blame myself every time, because it is my body that has failed.

A Most Useless Place... The Waiting Place

     Wednesday, we went back to the doctor to work out our pregnancy plan. I prepared my heart for two possible outcomes: 1-we wait a month to see what my body will do on its own; 2-we start treatments (most likely Clomid) this month and see how my body reacts. Dr. Smith chose the wait and see method, which isn't that bad, because it gives my body a chance to get pregnant naturally. But, I worry what will happen this month with my hormones. Since we already know that my hormones are unbalanced when I am off the birth control, I wonder if, in one month off the pill, they will revert back to their abnormal levels. If that happens, what will that mean for us moving forward with treatments. Dr. Smith did make one thing pretty clear: the likelihood of me actually ovulating on my own is minuscule, because I haven't had a "spontaneous period" since 2009. I believe in prayer, and I believe in God-created miracles, so I KNOW it is possible for me to have a period this month, but I am also prepared for that not to happen. In three weeks, we are to go back to the doctor to repeat some blood work to see what actually did happen to my body this month. We have to wait the three weeks, so that the birth control can work its way out of my system. At that time, we will create our real pregnancy plan.
     I asked the doc about Clomid as a starting point next month. And, I learned of one pretty intense side effect that I had not read about in my research. WARNING THIS IS A LITTLE GRAPHIC SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT! Clomid does cause women to ovulate, but it can cause the body to stop creating cervical mucus, which would mean that the sperm would not be able to get to the egg anyway. This essentially defeats the purpose, so it doesn't work with every women's body. I have read that if a woman doesn't get pregnant in three tries on Clomid, she never will. This is the reason why.
     In the meantime, while we await for the next three weeks, we have received the best doctors orders anyone get get: have sex every other day. If you are reading this blog, and you already have planned children, you know the importance of timing. All the best literature on the baby making subject says sex everyday will cause the sperm to not be mature enough, and abstaining from sex for longer than five days will cause more dead sperm than living. Most (s)experts recommend every other day for the most viable sperm and optimal opportunity for conceiving. Some may say that this is a lot of work, but it is also a lot of intimacy. I love my husband. Why wouldn't I want to be intimate with him? I think it also helps that we are still technically newlyweds.
     Anyway, stay tuned for more info in three weeks. And, please keep praying for us. God has already begun to create a miracle in my body through balancing my hormones in only two months. I cannot wait until I can help God grow a miracle in my body.

"You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place..." Dr. Seuss Oh, the Places You'll Go

Back Home

Last week, my husband and I went to Ohio to spend time with my family. The trip was eventful, fun, and filled with lots of babies. Friends' babies, brothers' babies, twin babies, plane babies, lots of babies. Don't get me wrong, I love babies, but while I was awaiting the test results that would determine how well my body was responding to the birth control, every time I finished holding a baby I felt scared, sad, and conflicted. In many ways, I guess, I have thought these particular test results seemed so much bigger than any of the others we have had. To recap, the doctor put me back on birth control in hopes that it would raise my estrogen levels and lower my testosterone levels. When we went back to the doctor last week, he did some blood work to check the progress. He determined before the blood tests that he really wanted me to stay on the birth control for another month. Fast forward to two days ago... I hadn't heard from the Dr. Smith, which is really unusual considering we have literally driven 45 mins to his office to sit for five minutes while he asks, "So, how are you doing?" So, I made a phone call to his office. When, the nurse called me back, I received news that I actually think is worse than the "one more month on the pill": "Dr. Smith said your test results were satisfactory; you should continue treatment for the next three months; and follow-up after that." I was devastated! Three months! That is NOT what my husband and I had talked to him about.  Nearly every time we go to him, I cannot stop myself from asking when he thinks we'll be able to move forward with actual fertility treatments, not just balancing my hormones. Each and every time he says that he is not prepared to make that call yet. Not to mention, if the results were satisfactory, why were we not going to go off birth control and try to get pregnant again. So, I stood up for our fertility, and said that this was not acceptable, and that we did not want to wait another three months on birth control to restart trying to get pregnant. The nurse was sort of rude and sarcastic as she told me, "Well then, I'll just tell the doctor that you don't want to wait three months and see what he says." She didn't need to be like that. I get that she deals with anxious mothers-to-be daily, but this was about me, and my treatments. When she called me back, she said that Dr. Smith wants to see us next Wednesday, and that we should discontinue taking the birth control until we develop our "pregnancy plan". PREGNANCY PLAN!!! We finally are getting to the big meeting with the doctor. The one that will determine how we will move forward, and what we will do (besides the obvious) to get pregnant. Now, I feel nervous, excited, and scared. I know that it could be this month, next month, next year, several years until we actually get pregnant, but I guess I feel the same as any first-time potential mother. With the added pressure that comes with already knowing there are problems with the plumbing, and there is a potential for sex to become more about the mechanics and less about the love-making. It's obviously too early to be concerned that my husband and I will get to that super frustrated place that many couples with fertility problems get. But, I'm a worrier. Mostly, right now, we need some prayer. Prayer that this pregnancy plan works, isn't overly expensive, and that it doesn't put pressure on our marriage. I will fill you all in next week when I have more details about the pregnancy plan.