In the belly of the whale...

Today I went back to the doctor to repeat my blood work and talk about the side effects I've been having on the birth control. I left feeling defeated and alone. My husband has been very active in this whole process, but he was unable to go with me to this visit, which added stress to the already stressful event. After every other visit my husband and I have had the long car ride home to talk about what our doctor just told us. I'm usually emotional, and the husband is great at giving me a new perspective. He typically considers any visit that our doc doesn't pull the plug a success. I can see his point, but I'm reaching a point of frustration with the whole process. Don't get me wrong, I love that our doctor doesn't want to move forward with treatments until my hormones are balanced enough to allow the treatments to be a success; but it's so hard to leave there not knowing what will come next and feeling that my body once again failed me. I really got no answers today about anything. The doctor isn't convinced that my headaches, stomachaches, sour milk taste, insomnia, or nightmares are connected to my medicine. He has given me other outlets to try before we blame the pills and change courses. I can understand his point, and am completely willing to try anything he suggests at this point. But, it was his next directive that broke my heart a little more. I have another month of birth control pills to take. I thought this would be it. Today would be the day we could look ahead; and if not today, next week after the blood results came back. Instead, the doctor told me that he feels, given the things I told him about the possible side effects I'm having, my body is ready yet. I know that this isn't our doctor pulling the plug yet, something my husband has already reminded me, but I can't stop my heart from hurting. I have done my homework and educated myself on my condition and all of our treatment options, I have become my own advocate, but I cannot make my body cooperate. I am willing to try anything to get pregnant, but I cannot make my body cooperate. My heart aches to be a mother, but I cannot make my body cooperate. I feel cheated. I did everything right, so why can't I have this? The anxieties are starting to take over, and it is becoming harder and harder to not dwell on the what ifs. My two biggest worries: what if we run out of time?; and what if this isn't God's plan for us? People say I'm crazy to question either of these, because we're still so young, and God wants to make families. But, the truth is that neither of these things is reassuring, because they are the fears closest to my ever breaking heart. Each time treatment gets pushed further back, the doubts creep in and take over. I'm really scared. And, no amount of reassurance seems to change that. I'm scared of what will happen and more scared of what might not ever happen. I am leaving you today with a final thought from a song I heard recently. Today, this has been my heart's song:

"At the first glimpse of light I'll be looking for you, Lord. At the first glimpse of light I'll be looking for you, Lord. At the first glimpse of light I'll be looking for you, Lord. I'm in the belly of the whale. The first step I take I'll be headed the right way. The first step I take I'll be headed the right way. The first step I take I'll be headed the right way. I'm in the belly of a whale. The first song I'll sing I'll sing it to you, God. The first song I'll sing I'll sing it to you, God. The first song I'll sing I'll sing it to you, God. I'll sing Hallelujah. From the belly of a whale. Why do you love a hear that's not beating? I have a heart that's not beating. But I was born for Hallelujah. I'm in the belly of a whale." - In the Belly of the Whale by Scott Orr